In the shadow of my heart

I’ve been called many names and got my designations during life. Some of them are like stains in my heart, they still hurt. Other tags I cherish like grains of lights towards a glowing halo. Some are well deserved and a few I just had to swallow bitterly, quietly. Who in they right heart likes loose ends? Nevertheless, sometimes incidents or situations occurs, like sickness or death, that’s puts you outside any ability to mend misunderstandings or confusions. And now, I must gulp the biggest of them all yet; it’s a devastating “game over”.

I’ve been called a devil and an angel. A guide, mentor and a best friend. A toy, once, and a playmate; a flirt. I recall even a messenger, a wizard, a mediator and a tower of light. But I never felt better than when you called me the love of your life. I wanted to remind you now, that at the time, I loved you with all my heart; I nurtured our love. My emotional attachment was genuine and caring, because I believed in you, in us, wanting to manifest that unaffected passion between us. Being focused and uplifting about it, as courageous as I allowed myself to be; was it too much? Once upon a time, you knew I stood by your side; I had your back no matter what!

And then, crossing over to feel emotional unfulfilled, seeing your attention phase out in that safety, I choose to move on. Becoming your security net under the tightrope you so fearless explored, I left you on your own, in your own spotlight. I’m not a habit and you don’t want to take me for granted; keep me inspired, I wanted to say to you. But I didn’t, and I never will, that’s not my duty I feel. Never took a hasty conclusion or decision though, been held back by the strong emotional connection we had and that I still seams to have with others I share my love to. That connection still lingers in me, regardless of what you thought towards the end.

Yes, I’m defending my beliefs about love. And yes, I’ve seen it before; you grew stronger and evolved without me, in character and in achievements, proving my decision to be right. Temperance and patience have increased within me, at the expense of compassion and a scarred heart, or so it feels. I’m not an expert, but then again, labels aren’t always unjustified.

I’ve never been called a douchebag, a mediocre dude or an idiot, to my knowing. But I can tell you with all sincerity that I have felt like one. To all of you that may be feeling the pedestal shrinking, I thank you for the good memories and your welcome, for the opportunities I gave you. But this is not about you, really.

Words can not begin to emphasize what I’m feeling now that the news have reached me; You phased out of time without notice and I would give a lot, just to have the chance to talk to you again. To maybe let you look inside my heart, to explain and understand if you so needed. Maybe you are, I can feel you in the shadows of my heart. But most importantly, to share my grief over you and over that I couldn't be your net at the end. That kind of sorrow only solid and good memories can evoke, with the knowing of not being able to create new ones again.

I’m so sorry, but I needed to put this to paper. I'm deprive from other options to bring this forward to you, not now anymore. I wish I have done this while you still didn't respond to my calls. Forgive me for that.

It’s due to the gruesome cancer that deprives you of any other possibility to reconciliation, and that’s a heavy burden on me I need to let go. And so is the knowing, that in time I will go on, I always seems to do. Even thou the walk feels more resistance with each time, the many memories I carry with me, is my safety net under my tightrope, for me to take that final leap of faith towards love.

AJK, R.I.P.